Dear Sen. Obama,
I like following politics. I really, really do. I like it too much, in fact, and as a consequence I devote far too much of my time to reading blogs and wire reports, mulling over the likely extent of your post-convention bounce, and counting the number of words issued by one Andrew Sullivan about your opponent's probably-false-but-who-really-cares POW stories. As a result my mythical dissertation remains just that, and my wife and son grow louder and louder in their worrying about my job prospects. I have, in short, something of a problem, and I need you to help me fix it.
So please, please listen to James, and pick Joe Biden as your running mate. There is nothing in the world I hate more than watching that arrogant, loud-mouthed prick ramble on and on for dozens of words at a time without pausing for a breath, and if the Alito hearings taught me anything it's that a solid ten minutes of drowning in his shtick will make Kant start to look like Seinfeld. If there is anyone who's going to get my head buried back in those books, it's Biden, and you're the one who can give him the forum to do just that. While I clearly can't promise you my vote, I hope my undying gratitude will suffice.
Thanks very much for your consideration.